The Road to Wellness Series: What I've Learned Recovering from an Eating Disorder (updated)
Trigger Warning: mentions eating disorder recovery, perceptions around food and diet, and disordered eating habits.
Image by FITZ
How to Trust Again
My eating disorder broke trust in my relationships with my body, authenticity, and intuition. I was given a false sense of knowledge about my appearance and lifestyle, what each should look like, and a false sense of control. I felt I needed to change to receive employment as a model and for society to better accept me.
Although hard to do, I sought out recovery and developed the trust within myself that was previously broken. Becoming intuitive and learning how to exercise patience permitted me to heal. Rediscovering and regulating my hunger cues, accepting my natural body image (passed down by my ancestors), and understanding that my body will change throughout my life are satisfying accomplishments that also required serious rewiring of my mindset. I found that my body does know best. She works hard to give me life; she is more than just something to look at. My body does everything I need her to do to keep me alive, and I am forever grateful for her.
How to Forgive Myself
I thought that developing disordered eating habits was my fault. I would frequent myself with shame and guilt and struggled to forgive myself for not knowing any better. But after surrounding myself with wise counsel during recovery and learning how to part ways with toxic habits and mindsets that support disordered eating habits, I realized that these behaviors developed as a coping mechanism in response to something bigger.
I opened my mind to forgiveness. I began to understand that the complex mixture of societal and environmental factors enabled the disordered eating habits and lifestyle I took on. So I did what I thought was best at the time and forgave myself for the results that came with doing my “best.”
How Authenticity Makes a Difference
Reconnecting with my authenticity was a priority. My eating disorder and the environments I occupied that reinforced my eating disorder habits erased who I was. Authenticity will not survive in any people-pleasing environment, so I’m working on making decisions and conducting myself in authentic and healthy ways, even if others don’t favor it (setting boundaries, for example). And to be honest, it feels good to do something that helps me grow regardless of how others think. I don’t need to prove my self-worth to anyone, and I don’t need unsolicited opinions regarding my life choices or the way my body looks. Learning how to be me again and doing what is best for me is all that matters. And the improvement in my health and well-being is well worth the work.
The Beauty in Starting Over
We either take a detour or altogether avoid the road to healing because pain and discomfort scatter along the path. There can be so much pain and discomfort in starting over that we would rather stay where we’re at for convenience. But there is beauty in starting over, which comes from the pain and discomfort in healing.
Having fallen off the path to recovery numerous times, I was nervous to recommit, thinking this time wouldn’t be any different from the previous attempts. Separating from toxic habits and lifestyles was the most discomforting comfort I experienced. And ironically, I grieved through the separation of my old self. I learned that creating a new life outside of what we are conditioned to believe can be taxing and lonely, especially when you don’t have support. Still, it is worth trying.
The work we put into learning and growing from pain provides us with more peace and a much more solid sense of self than we had before. Today doesn’t have to look like yesterday, which doesn’t have to look like tomorrow. And while we only get one life, we have the opportunity to live a better version of this life when starting over…another chance to experience life from a healthier perspective.
Bottom line: I want to know what it is like to live a healthier version of my life, even if it takes most of my life to achieve it. And let’s face it, in the context of body image, many people will die before understanding that the way they showed up organically in the world was already good enough. But this would not be their fault, and this doesn’t have to be the case for others moving forward.
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