The Road to Wellness Series: There is 'Self' in Compassion
I’m no expert in the world of self-compassion. I'm still learning to practice this. But I do believe that self-compassion is something we need to discuss more, regardless of where we may be on our life journey.
I’ll find it difficult to show myself the same concern, love, and empathy that I do for others in times of difficulty and realize this is out of fear of feeling undisciplined or losing responsibility for my own deficiencies, mistakes, or troubling thoughts. Little did I know that exercising self-compassion is productive, allowing me to look forward to my future and enjoy my present, all while having compassion for my past.
Unfortunately, self-compassion does not get the best rep. However, this is changing. Research shows that adjusting our self-talk, speaking to ourselves as we would to a friend or family member in need, does help improve our overall self-esteem, growth, and mental health.
What is self-compassion?
I was introduced to the work of Dr. Kristin Neff during my first year of eating disorder recovery, a research psychologist and a pioneer in the field of self-compassion research. Her work defines self-compassion as being kind and understanding to ourselves when we experience personal failings or shortcomings (1).
“Instead of mercilessly judging and criticizing yourself for various inadequacies or shortcomings, self-compassion means you are kind and understanding when confronted with personal failings – after all, who ever said you were supposed to be perfect?” -Dr. Kristin Neff
WOW. That sounds like a daunting task, right? How can we give ourselves what we give to others, particularly when it doesn’t feel natural?
We fear that being compassionate towards ourselves means we are partaking in behaviors or mindsets that are actually antonyms of self-compassion. So we shy away from self-compassion out of fear of engaging in self-pity, self-indulgence, or an inability to confront our weaknesses that might be harder to accept (2). In comes the “shoulda, coulda, woulda” talk, the harsh or critical negative self-talk (or scolding), or ruminating in the past that cannot be changed or focusing on things we don’t like about ourselves.
We should instead tend to our needs during times of difficulty like we would to a friend or loved one and look to change our ways that will foster productivity and a healthier and happier life. And these actions should be done out of love. And no, having self-compassion does not mean we are “letting ourselves off the hook.” Feel free to read further on the psychology of this misconception.
Why is self-compassion important?
Let’s take a look at a few reasons:
Decreased Anxiety/Stress
Lowers the volume on unproductive and obsessive thoughts when processing failure or mistakes
You learn that you can make better choices in the future without being held prisoner to your shortcomings
Helps to regulate your emotions by tending to them and the physical sensations in your body so you are not ruminating or leaving personal processing unattended
Better emotional intelligence/stability
Problem-Solve
With decreased anxiety and stress, you can better troubleshoot difficulties in your day and or your life
Provides clarity on your shortcomings and how to move forward
What does self-compassion look like for me?
Acceptance
And this does not mean you are stamping your mistakes or failures. You simply understand that you are human and that acceptance does not imply a lack of accountability or learning from your past. You accept that you cannot go back in time to change what happened and you are not the only one in the world with this human experience.
Acknowledging your emotions and giving your emotions a safe space to be heard
Instead of ignoring how we feel when difficulty strikes, give your emotions the space to communicate to you. You might find that your emotions are trying to send you messages, which can come up physically within your body. For example, do you feel tightness in your chest? Heart racing? Fists or jaw clenched?
Changing your self-talk
Beating yourself up with unproductive self-talk –the “shoulda, coulda, woulda” lingo will not get you ANYWHERE. This language keeps you living the past that you cannot change. Try changing your mindset. Although challenging, start viewing your situation as a behavior, decision, or thought that was not favored but does not mean YOU are a terrible person--especially if it is not typical of your personality. Try separating who you are versus one or a few less-than-desired decisions, behaviors, etc. They do not have to reflect your overall character.
Realizing that you don’t always know what others are thinking
We sometimes tangle ourselves in critical self-talk to prepare for perceived criticism from others on how they view our situations. Still, more often than not, people are not constantly thinking about you or what you’ve done. Even if they do, it isn’t for an extended time, as they have other things to worry about in their lives that occupy their attention. It’s not always about you.
Bottom line: Looking for ways to practice self-compassion? Check out these guided self-compassion practices and exercises! https://self-compassion.org/category/exercises/
References:
Dr. Kristin Neff, About “What is Self-Compassion?” Definition and Three Elements of Self-Compassion, 2023, https://self-compassion.org/the-three-elements-of-self-compassion-2/
GoodTherapy, “Self-Compassion,” 2019, https://www.goodtherapy.org/learn-about-therapy/issues/self-compassion
